Eulogy for a Friend

Panther

            Panther is a designer drug made popular by the kids’ TV show “Doug.” It is most often found in the form of a fine white powder that’s been chafed from the rectum of a venerable religious figure. Most users choose to insufflate the drug, while some elect to inject it intravenously and others enjoy it on cottage cheese—known colloquially as “wildcattin’.” Panther was first used recreationally in 1983 and has since become the fourth most popular street drug in the U.K. and a favorite among 18^th century aristocracy.

History

            Panther was discovered by chemists looking for a cure for boredom and listlessness in the early 1980s. Its use as a “party drug” was immediately realized and it became common fare at high-society events; usually baptisms and funerals. By the 90s it had become popular throughout the United Kingdom, particularly among blacks and Greys. This was in the midst of the “British Invasion” by Grey Aliens, before their leader had a bad trip in which he thought he was human, and subsequently pulled the plug. In 2002 Panther was named “Best New Drug” by High Times magazine and honored at a special ceremony, where it famously gave the shortest speech in event history. Recently, President Obama admitted to allegations that he injected Panther when the NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers visited the White House.

Effects

            The subjective effects of Panther are often described as a compromise of LSD, Cocaine and Ecstasy, though Ecstasy feels short-changed in the agreement and becomes bitter and angry for the rest of the “trip.” Users reliably experience an increase in energy and alertness, euphoria, and a sense of weightlessness; harnesses and ankle-weights are recommended to prevent injury. Visual patterning is common and certain preexisting patterns, such as plaid, become all-white and highly flammable. Some users report hot and cold sensations in certain regions, “As if existence itself were sucking me off.” The void between the user and his surroundings has been known to dissipate and then reappear in the form of a taco pizza. “Ego Death” is possible and real death is not unheard of. Hallucinations are mandatory, as the panda in the fedora will tell you. And nobody eats.

            Physiologically, U-Opioid receptacles overflow leading the frontal lobe to become wholly inactive and the bladder to give out. Anti-antagonist dopiates become unnerved by the presence of such a charismatic chemical and insist on going home to eat something. The Central Nervous System becomes overworked and anxious and confides in its boss that things are not going well at home. Y-Chromosomes become X-Chromosomes and a new chromosome, “Braden,” is introduced. The three of them engage in a passionate yet dangerous ménage a trois. At this time the knees buckle and the shoulders unzip, and the digestive system throws up “the towel,” a street term for the vomit one can expect on Panther: dry, monochromatic, and 2’ by 4’.

Legal Status

            The United Nations has deemed Panther a Schedule II drug, meaning one may use it only if they’re having a really great time. In the United States, you’re probably not, but legislation on the table in California would make Panther legal for all majorities—that is, not minorities. Prospects of Senate approval are dampened by a recent inexplicable spike in SADS—Sudden Adult Death Syndrome.

Myths

            Although Panther is no more harmful than tobacco if both are used once per day, a lot has been made of the dangers of the drug; 1 in 6 new users commit suicide and, rarely, genocide has been reported. There are several myths regarding the dangers of Panther. A Mississippi man named Wallace O’Maclahew claims to have bitten his sister, but the sister swears she bit herself. Similarly, one man has become permanently convinced he is Joan Baez, but, as Ms. Baez assures us, he is not.